This past week, I broke up with my boyfriend.
Although the writing was on the wall, I still felt ill-prepared for the sheer devastation I felt. Since January, our communication had dwindled from talking daily to weekly, to hardly ever. It didn’t help that we lived nearly 200 miles from each other; he in San Diego, I in Lancaster.
What hurts the most is I feel as though he abandoned me. And this is my worst nightmare because it reaffirms a belief I’ve been gripping since childhood: I’m not important. This belief stems from my parents’ divorce and feeling as though I wasn’t a priority to them, particularly my father.
As an adult, I know this belief isn’t true. Of course, I was important to them. They were both loving and caring towards my brother and me. They would hug us and kiss us. They would say to us, “I love you.” They fed and clothed us. But the seven-year-old me interpreted their moments of aloofness and distraction as, “I’m not important.” This was the only way I could understand why my father seemed to spend more time with his friends than with us, and why my mother, consumed with the pain of her marriage, had little patience for my pain and frustration.
I’m learning to visualize the seven-year-old me and hold and tell her, “You are important. You matter,” because she still hurts and needs comforting. She is comfortable hiding in the shadows of my consciousness. But when she’s exposed, she comes out kicking and screaming, demanding attention.
I’m working with a client who is exploring her own limiting beliefs. We used Byron Katie’s, The Work, a set of four questions that helps you pinpoint your belief and turn it around. I was reminded of how powerful this process is because it asks this question: Who would you be without that thought?
Who would I be if I didn’t have the thought, “I’m not important?” I’d be more confident, happy, free. My beliefs are simply thoughts. And most of them aren’t true. This belief that I’m not important isn’t true. There is plenty of evidence surrounding me every day that proves its deceit.
I’ve been holding on to this thought for decades. Letting go of it isn’t going to happen overnight. But when I remind myself it’s just a thought and is false, I breathe a little deeper, smile a little broader, and feel a little freer.
This was a really good post. I’m so sorry about your breakup, I know the feeling all too well. After reading this I can’t help but feel like who we are in our relationships kind of does come from how we grew up as individuals. It was something I had to come to grips with as well. The way you identify with your seven-year-old self is amazing because I can’t identify an age just that I was always looking for something I thought I needed in different relationships and it actually damaged me more than anything. I hope you find someone who will give you everything you need plus more because your an amazing person.
Khy!
Your heartfelt message brought tears to my eyes. You’re right–we’re always searching for healing in our relationships because they can be incredibly nourishing, safe spaces for healing. Unfortunately, if they don’t work out, they can be heartbreaking. But even in the heartache, there’s an opportunity for growth and a glimmer of hope.
Thanks for stopping by, Khy!